Howard the Duck

Release Date: August 1, 1986

Watch Date: August 2, 2023

In this film based on the comic book character, Howard the Duck is suddenly beamed from Duckworld, a planet of intelligent ducks with arms and legs, to Earth, where he lands in Cleveland. There he saves rocker Beverly (Lea Thompson) from thugs and forms a friendship with her. She introduces him to Phil (Tim Robbins), who works at a lab with scientist Dr. Jenning (Jeffrey Jones). When the doctor attempts to return Howard to his world, Jenning instead transfers an evil spirit into his own body.

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    I paid money for this film.

    I did.

    I rented it from YouTube, because it couldn’t be found anywhere else – which in retrospect should have been a warning sign.

    Growing up, because his life’s goal was to be strange, my brother had a “Howard the Duck” film poster hanging on his wall. So I knew this film existed. I knew that the character was Marvel, and that was even before he appeared briefly in a Guardians of the Galaxy movie. I even knew George Lucas “presented” this film, whatever that means.

    So I really should have felt forewarned as to what we were getting in to, but I didn’t. We were woefully unprepared for what was about to happen to us.

    Some movies, you see, are boring. Some movies are bad. This one is boring and bad in a way where we often felt uncomfortable. There are duck breasts, and a very uncomfortable and forced romance between a human and a duck that leads to a potential romantic moment between the two where the woman is basically forcing herself on the duck in a way that just feels so, so wrong.

    Sometimes, when Bob sees absurd moments in a Disney film, he’ll share it with his friends. He could share none of this movie with anyone, unwilling to force his friends to experience the same hell that we were currently going through.

    Eventually it simply became a test of endurance, because we were not going to stretch this film out for two days. It just was not going to happen. This would be done in one so that we would never have to experience it again.

    Now I’ve never read a Howard the Duck comic, personally, so I don’t know if he’s always got this forced edgy tone to it, but this movie tries way too hard to be subversive and edgy. It’s feels very of it’s time, and not in any good way. I don’t think this movie could exist in any other point in history than the late 80s, and I don’t think this movie should have existed then.

    We were too excited by the prospect of ‘if we could’ we never stopped to think ‘if we should.’

    The effects on Dr. Jennings, at least his transformation from normal human as he slowly becomes more and more corrupted by whatever purported demonic force is inhabiting him, is really well done, I will give them that. But if George Lucas was involved, that’s not really that surprising either. There’s a reason ILM is considered one of the best in the business. But one good transformation throughout the course of a film does not a good film make. Not when there’s a duck practicing ‘quack fu’.

    This movie bombed in the box office, proving that people of the 80s still had taste, despite all current evidence to the contrary. The actors would struggle to find work immediately afterwards, and this film would still be recognized as one of the worst movies of all time – a title it very richly deserves. Of course, Lea Thompson, who played Beverly, now hopes to get another Howard movie going with herself as the director, which is something that shouldn’t happen ever. Apparently Marvel turned her down, but after the success of the “What If…?” series they have future plans for the character which…great. Glad.

    Also the unwrapped duck condom in the wallet makes me gag.

    “Men in Black” and “Blade” are up next, and one I recall is a fairly good movie and the other is apparently Bob’s favorite anti-hero, so we have to hope they can only go up from here. They have to only go up from one of the worst movies of all time, right? Right?!