Blade Trinity

Release Date: December 8, 2004

Watch Date: August 5, 2024

“Blade (Wesley Snipes) and a pair of vampire slayers battle Dracula.”

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   I don’t like Blade. It’s official. Apparently there’s a remake coming, so maybe I’ll feel differently about that. But at this point, no, I don’t.

   Maybe I’d like the comic book character more? But no. If the movie is in anyway accurate I don’t think I will.

   This movie is bad. The writing is bad. The plot, what there is of one, is bad. Yes, Blade and his friends(?) fight Dracula, but there’s no real reason why. Apparently the vampires woke up Dracula so that he could…do something to help them? Make a new vampire? But ultimately that’s never explored or explained. Instead, they basically just sic Dracula on Blade – which you think Dracula, now known as Drake, would be offended by. But he’s not.

   Every line, except for those delivered by Ryan Reynolds, is spoken in monotone with no sense of urgency or emotion. Even when Blade and his buddy are being attacked by the FBI, and being taken out, there’s no emotion or urgency. Even when that buddy is originally upset with Blade for being caught killing a human on camera, there’s still no emotion. And the writing in general is just bad “Why can’t you just be good?” “Because the world isn’t good.” That’s…a thing, that was said.

   The best part of this film, and I’m not kidding, is Ryan Reynolds. It was like a trial for Deadpool. A character that makes a lot of inappropriate jokes while killing a bunch of people, and sometimes being overly sexual? He may not have entered the MCU as Deadpool yet on paper, but he had in spirit.

   And this has nothing to do with anything, but Whistler’s daughter always putting on music before she gets into a fight? They even included her updating her iPod’s playlist before they got into the major final battle with Dracula, which is not something usually added to a prefight montage but anyways. How would she hear anything? That seems like such a dumb idea. What if someone is coming up from behind you? You’re giving yourself a handicap in battles with things that want to kill you on purpose. Who does that?

   Bob, who loves these films as a thing he bonded with his father over as a child – which I know, completely inappropriate but he has nothing but fond memories so who am I to judge – will even admit that this is a bad film. Now, he remembered Ryan Reynolds having a bad performance, and maybe he does, but he is heads and shoulders above everyone else so, if he does I don’t notice it.

   Skip the Blade trilogy if you’re watching the entirety of the MCU. Save yourself the time and just wait for the remake. I think we’ll all be happier.