John Tucker Must Die

Release Date: July 28, 2006

Watch Date: September 7, 2024

“A wistful high school newcomer is groomed as bait by popular cheerleaders in a plot to exact revenge on their triple-timing boyfriend.”

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   This was a very spur of the moment choice for me.

   Really, it was. All day long I had no strong feelings towards any movie, and so had been debating between Twilight – to annoy Bob – or Christopher Robin – if I wanted to have some strong feelings to end out the night. But then we were flicking through films, I was actually looking for Old Dogs, because it has Robin Williams and Bob loves Robin Williams, and I saw John Tucker Must Die, and there we were.

   I love a good 2000s teen romcom. I don’t know why. I think a lot of women my generation do. They’re cheesy, they’re predictable, they’re tropey. The moment the main problem of the plot gets revealed you know exactly how they’re going to solve it, and who ends up with who is highly telegraphed. But they’re fun. They are, to a certain generation of women (and possibly men who knows), what 90s action flicks are to a certain generation of men (and possibly women). These movies are my Terminator 2, my The Matrix. And there’s no getting around it.

   Plus, it takes place in an American high school, which means I get to turn to Bob repeatedly and ask ‘is this accurate?’ (It never is but one day I’ll be right!)

   John Tucker hits all the standard tropes. Nerdy girl is magically hot, and this one didn’t even have to take off her glasses. Highly defined cliques. Boy who requires punishment for being mean to women. Nerdy boy who is somehow hurt by the nerdy girl who doesn’t realize he’s the only one who really sees her, this time it’s awful guy’s barely acknowledged brother. A cool parental figure. There’s even a scene at a beach.

   I’m just saying it’s not original.

   But it’ll make you laugh. Bob is still chuckling at the thought of thongs becoming a male fashion statement in high school. He really didn’t expect Tucker to turn that one around.

   There is actually a surprising amount of growth from John Tucker. Until the very end ruins it. He actually seems like he’s becoming a sweet and sentimental guy, and if he had been allowed to end up with Kate – which both Bob and I feel is actually how the movie should have naturally ended, you didn’t need the ‘other Tucker’ at all – it would have felt very natural, and actually been pretty romantic. But 2000s teen movies don’t want John Tucker redeemed at the end. And they don’t want Kate to fall for his charms. They want her to go after his younger brother. And to have John Tucker now just be honest about his desire for polygamy, or at least an open relationship. Way to ruin all that hard work.

   Also, because this is a safe space, I’m going to bring up something that literally bothered me the entire movie. How old are these characters? They make it seem like they’re all in the same grade. They share classes together. But maybe Kate is younger than the other three girls? Because she’s in the same grade as the Other Tucker, and John Tucker is definitely supposed to be a senior. But they’re all old enough to drive. Are the Other Tucker and John Tucker like…only a year apart? They must be, right? Senior and…junior? Is that how it works? Bob isn’t awake to tell me. That has to be how this working out right? I don’t know why it drove me so crazy, but it did.

   John Tucker must grow, that really should be the name of the film. But that’s probably not going to get you as many random clicks. I don’t think it annoyed as much as Twilight would have, but it’s Bob’s pick next, so let’s see if he returns the favor.